The Beautiful Letdown

This title sums up all that I've been feeling lately.  I was thinking about this post and what I could title it and the name Beautiful letdown came to mind.  I knew it was a song title and that I've heard the song before so I googled it.  (I heart google - I will google anything that comes to mind).

About three weeks ago, I spoke at my church's women's retreat and gave my testimony.
(I mentioned this before here) It was an awesome experience and very freeing.  I spoke of my journey of forgiveness and how God has been working in my life in that area.  I know that what I shared touched many, and I'm still surprised that so many women could really relate to what I had gone through and still am dealing with today.

Fast forward to today.  I went to Bible study like I do every Thursday morning.  I'm not a overly talkative person when it comes to input on the lessons but I'll read a verse or passage of scripture or give my thoughts every once in awhile.  Today I must've been extra quiet because our leader, Linda mentioned that I was extra quiet today.  I chalked it up to being tired, but the more I thought about it during the afternoon, it bothered me.  I began to realize that I wasn't really tired physically.  It's more an emotional blah feeling.  It's hard to explain.  I had an appointment with my therapist this afternoon so I was going to mention these feelings to her.

Sharon said that she could tell a difference in me from 2 weeks ago to today.  2 weeks ago, she said was radiant and glowing.  This week she could tell something was up - The beautiful letdown.  Sharon went on to explain that when go through an emotional task of giving your testimony ( or any public speaking) you kind of have this mountain top experience - sort of a high, so to speak.  For me it was the feeling of 'I did it!'.  It felt freeing.  The encouragement and support I received as well as the the 'thanks yous', and 'I can relate to your pain' were more than I ever expected.  Sharon went to explain that usually lasts about a week or so after and then... the beautiful let down.  You come down from the mountain top to normal but it leaves you feeling blah.  That's exactly how I feel!  I have no interest in talking or thinking about my parents.  I know there are things I need to do, but I'm not ready to face them yet.  In time, I will.  I know I can't ignore what I need to do or run away from it.  I need to talk with my mom and that will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I will do it.  Just not yet.  I'm feeling indifferent.  I haven't seen my mom for over a year and I don't even miss her.  How horrible is that?!  I know it's normal and it's not horrible at all.  I still love her but I'm not ready to go forward yet.  I maybe scared - wait.  I am scared.  I know the Lord is with me.  Joshua 1:9 says be strong and courageous.  Don't be discouraged, don't be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  (Loosely quoted.  It's dark right now, I don't want to turn on the light to look in my Bible).

Some good advice that Sharon left me with was not to dismiss these feelings or brush them aside.  Sure being blah is no fun, but God can teach me and show me more of who He is through this.  I left her office feeling so refreshed and encouraged.  I am thankful God is with me wherever I go.  And I am thankful for this Beautiful Letdown.

It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone
Unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
Fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross and a song
Where I don't belong
I don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown
When You found me here
Yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
In the rising sun
In our dark water planet still spinning
In a direction no one wins
No one's won.

See, I don't belong here (I don't belong)
Well, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross
With a song where I don't belong
I don't belong
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
No, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I'm gonna set side
And set sail
For the kingdom come, kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down, yeah
Let my foolish pride forever let me down

Ah, Easy living, you're not much like the name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list
Easy living please c'mon and let me down

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here, yeah
It goes like I don't belong here
I don't belong (I don't belong)
Won't you let me down (I don't belong)
C'mon and let me down (I don't belong)
You always let me down (I don't belong)
So glad that I'm let down (I don't belong)
C'mon and let me down (I don't belong)
'Cause I don't belong here
Won't you let me down!

Lyrics by Switchfoot